


Needs and Wants

by Schizojuc



Series: In This Age [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Complicated Relationships, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 15:24:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5168825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schizojuc/pseuds/Schizojuc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve does not need Bucky. He wants him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Needs and Wants

There were many aspects of technology that Steve did not like. He did not understand social media and why people would post updates on what they were doing, eating and thinking every few minutes. He appreciated smartphones and was constantly amazed by the ingenuity of mankind but he was at times taken aback by how technology was also misused.

But the one new world invention he embraced was email. He thought that had been the best idea since the invention of the telephone. Though emails lacked the intimacy and warmth of a handwritten letter, he could not fault how fast messages were delivered and with a guarantee of receipt as well. There was no need for stamps, envelopes and waiting for the post to be collected. It was truly an ingenious concept as far as Steve was concerned.

One of the best things about email was that it allowed him to communicate with civilians who wanted to thank him or share with him their thoughts on the world or to ask questions. There were of course emails from fanatics who ranted that death and destruction would rain on him and on America and from fans who would call him daddy or send him naked pictures of themselves. 

(Thanks to Tony’s help and state of the art software, those emails were efficiently filtered to the spam folder and deleted daily.) 

Mostly he loved the ones from the kids who would ask him about his favourite food or his thoughts on the latest movie. He also loved getting emails from veterans, especially those who survived the same war he had been a part of. They made him feel less like a man out of his time and offered him some modicum of comfort that the old world was still here, at least for a short while more.

So even when he was travelling all over the world looking for signs of Bucky, he never failed to check his email though he was not always able to respond to every email. Every time some lead on Bucky proved to be a dead end, he turned to the emails as an escape from the mounting hopelessness. Sam joked that he was addicted to emails, and then in a more serious tone, had added that as far as addictions go, at least this was safer.

It was on one such day when the latest rumours, that the Winter Solider may have had an hand in the explosion of a freight in the Barents Sea, had proved to be nothing more than a case of Chinese whispers, that Steve had settled into his motel room and logged in to his account.

He skimmed through the subject line of the emails, replying to a few and saving a few others for when he had time for a longer reply. Then there it was – between the email from Ret. Sgt Kenneth Locke and Ms. Penny Naima a.k.a. Princess Pea.

_From: endoftheline_

_Subject: Stop looking for me._

His finger clicked to open the email before he was even conscious of it. The email was empty.

The first thought was that it was a prank. But no one knew what had been said between them – he never told anyone, not even Sam. Then came hope and relief. Buck was alive and he knew Steve was looking for him. Then as the meaning of the email sunk in, he felt his momentary relief dissipate and change to frustration.

He hit reply.

_Subject: You want me to stop? You say it to my face._

He left the content blank as well.

Throwing his phone on the bed, he started pacing the room. What the hell! Bucky sent an email? Was that supposed to be his way of saying that he was okay? That he remembered everything now? That he does not want anything to do with Steve?

Steve felt a sudden urge to punch the wall but he reined it in. Given the quality of the motel, his fist would go through the wall and Sam would be right there asking him what was wrong.

Sam. Should he tell him? No. Not yet. But he will if he does not get a reply. He will also get Tony involved to see if the email could be traced.

‘Because Bucky, like hell I am stopping! I’ve already lost you enough times. Never again.’

*

The reply came. One week later. By then Steve was climbing the walls and Sam was giving him patient yet suspicious looks. His suspicions were not allayed when Steve had just quietly conceded to returning to New York when Sam had suggested a break even though there had been another whisper about the Winter Soldier in Prague. But Sam had apparently not wanted to look a gift horse in the mouth by pushing. Steve would feel guiltier about the exhaustion he sees in Sam if not for the fact that every morning, he tells Sam he can look for Bucky on his own and that Sam should just return home. Steve would also feel more guilt, if Sam would not punch him in the arm, hard, whenever he says that.

Steve had just leased an apartment in Brooklyn before they had left for Murmansk and had not had the time to settle in beyond buying basic furniture. So after stepping into his new place, he had taken one look around and stepped right out to get started on stocking up on food. It was while he was in line to pay for his groceries that he had checked and seen the new email.

_Subject: You’re never going to find me._

Again nothing in the content.

His reply was quick.

_Subject: I’ve got time and patience._

**

It was another week before the next reply came. Steve wondered if this was because Bucky was somewhere where internet was a luxury and he could only access email once a week.

Or maybe he was just being a punk ass jerk!

_Subject: What do you want with me?_

Steve ground his teeth in a bid not to shout in frustration and to fight back the lump that was forming in his throat.

That question. Like the only reason anyone would need or look for Bucky was that they needed something from him. That he was not a person who was loved just for himself but rather a tool to be used.

_Subject: I want you to talk to me. I want you to look me in the eyes and just talk._

Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the email that would make Bucky stop all communication with him.

Steve bowed his head, his fingers clasped as if in prayer between his knee, and exhaled heavily.

**

The first week passed. Then the second. Then a month.

Steve was sure now that Bucky was not going to reply ever again. So he started putting out feelers again for signs of the Winter Soldier. He felt a tinge of guilt when he mentioned it to Natasha and Sam again and saw their face fall in disappointment. At least Sam’s did. Natasha’s expression did not change an iota but the woman had a way of sending a message without saying a word or doing a thing. Still as much as they may think he was a pitiful puppy searching for something never to be found, he felt he had no choice.

It would be easier to ask him not to ever breathe than to ask him to stop looking for Bucky. He could not explain it even to himself. He had to look because not looking was not even an option.

Of course the very night before he was to leave for Washington chasing another whisper, was when Bucky decided to show up in his apartment.

**

The serum had heightened Steve’s senses to the point that at times he felt like he could register even vibration in the air. He was washing his plate and suddenly he just knew there was someone in the room with him. He took his time to turn. If it was Natasha, then there was nothing to worry about. If it was an intruder…well he was still not worried to be honest.

He was the same man Steve had last seen on the helicarrier but yet different. For one he seemed to have discovered the concept of a shower and shampoo. And the black leather was gone. In its place, blue jeans, grey t-shirt and a grey hoodie. What remained the same was the blank stare.

A voice in his head that sounded a lot like Sam told him to grab his shield. However it was mostly overruled by the sense of relief and peace that seemed to fill his entire body. Bucky was here. Bucky was safe and Bucky was here.

And Bucky was cocking an eyebrow at him in that way he used to when he was waiting for something.

Steve bit back a smile and merely moved over to the fridge and took out two bottles of beer. Placing one in front of Bucky, he took a seat and opened his bottle, taking a swig. He watched as Bucky seemed to wait for him to take a second swig before he reached for his own bottle, opening it and taking a slow sip.

“Where have you been?” Steve asked.

“You damn well know.”

Steve blinked.

“Those were dead ends. Just rumours.”

“Okay.”

Steve gritted his teeth.

“Okay, then let’s get down to it. Why did you save me? After all, I was your mission, right?”

That was a hit. The blank stare wavered.

“Didn’t want to owe you,” came the reply.

“So debt paid. Are you going to try to kill me now?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Not a fucking lapdog anymore.”

The blank stare was gone entirely; in its place, banked rage. At least there was still one sure-fire way to get through to Bucky.

“Give yourself some credit. You were at least a pitbull,” Steve retorted and got a glare in return. “ So you’re your own man now? You’re just destroying Hydra linked installations as a hobby?”

“Just settling a score.”

Steve nodded.

“I get that. I’ve got more than my fair share to settle with them. We can work together on that.”

“I work alone.”

“You don’t have to. Just like I didn’t have to be alone when Mom died. You remember that, Bucky?”

Bucky’s eyes dropped to the table.

“Yeah, you do remember. You remember everything now, don’t you. You remember us. Then why are you running? I don’t understand,” Steve pleaded.

It was a long while before Bucky spoke.

“1962. Ivan Levkiv, Ukrainian ambassador. Threat level 3. 2 children. 9 year old Alexei Levkiv and 5 year old Helega Levkiv. One shot to the forehead for each child. Message sent.”

Bucky looked up with dead eyes.

“Can’t remember everything but I know I’ve done worse. So tell me, Captain America, still want me around?”

“Yes.” Steve felt no hesitation. “You’ve been through hell like no one else. There is no standard for you. You were a prisoner of war. They took you, tortured you, broke you and used you. The question is are you going to take yourself back now that you can or are you going to continue to be lost.”

Bucky just stared at him at first. Then he clinked the beer bottle against his metal arm.

“Sometimes there is no coming back.”

Putting the bottle back on the table, he stood up and moved to the windows. Steve realised he was leaving.

He should have known better but it was a knee-jerk reaction that made Steve grab Bucky by the arm. It didn’t surprise him in the least when he found himself pushed against the wall with a knife to his throat, Bucky’s face just a hair breadth away from his. Steve stared into those familiar blue-grey eyes. Eyes he had lost himself in often as a young child and a young man. Eyes he still dreamt about every night.

Bucky frowned and eased off, stepping back.

“You need to be careful or you’re going to get yourself killed. I’m not the same James Buchanan Barnes anymore.”

Steve almost laughed aloud. Warning Steve to be careful…that was the quintessential Bucky. But the man probably did not want to hear that.

“I never asked you to be the same. I’m sure as hell not. You know what we used to mean to each other. I’m just asking you if we have really reached the end of the line. I’m asking you to be sure. If you are, then I’ll…I’ll let you go.”

Steve knew he was making a promise he was not sure he could make himself keep but the words were out and he waited for Bucky’s reply.

Bucky just stared at him for a long while and then in an abrupt movement, turned back to the windows.

“Stop following me. I’ll be in touch.”

And then he was gone.

**

The next time that Steve saw Bucky, was after he had returned from a mission with Natasha. It had been a good mission, though it had started with a cold shoulder from Nat. She and Sam had not been happy to say the least when he had told them that he had been in contact with Bucky and had even had him in his apartment without alerting them. Natasha had thawed eventually as they took turns saving each other’s lives on the mission. Sam though still gave him that disappointed look which was way worse than a cold shoulder. Steve still had to make amends.

He had just come out of the showers, towelling his hair when he stopped short. Bucky was sitting on his bed. Still in jeans and a different t-shirt but sans the cap.

“What do you want from me?”

Steve sighed.

“Hello, Bucky,” he greeted as he finished towelling his hair and moved to the drawers to get his clothes.

He could feel eyes on him as he pulled on his t-shirt and pants.

“Most of the time I remember you being smaller.”

Steve turned and smiled at Bucky.

“Most of the time, I was.”

Bucky just stared at him as if he could get Steve’s true intentions to suddenly flash across his face.

“What do you want from me?” he repeated.

“What do you mean?”

Bucky looked at him with irritation.

“You have food, shelter, money. More tail on offer than you can cope with probably. And you have friends who have your back and share your mission. What do you need me for?”

One part of Steve wanted to yell and rave at Bucky for that question. How could he think that was what his role in Steve’s live had been? That his entire significance could be broken down to just those parts? But the more empathetic part of him understood why Bucky would think that way.

“I don’t need you for anything, Bucky. I want you for everything. I want you to share a home with me, eat all the food we could only dream of back then and spend all this money we have now. I don’t want any one else. I only ever dream of you. And I don’t need you to share my beliefs and fight by my side. I just want to be able to return to you. I love you. Maybe you don’t remember the way we felt about each other anymore but that’s okay. I remember enough for the both of us.”

Bucky suddenly stood up and walked towards Steve, stopping barely an inch from him.

“I remember some things. I remember kissing you.”

Steve’s breath caught in his chest.

Bucky seemed to stare into his eyes, as if hoping to see the memories flash by in the blue. Then his gaze dropped to Steve’s lips and Steve felt that familiar yet long forgotten tug in his stomach.

“Bucky…” he whispered, bringing his hand up to touch Bucky’s face.

Bucky closed the remaining gap, kissing Steve, soft at first, as if testing something and then harder. Steve held back as much as he could but when he felt Bucky’s hand under his chin, tilting his face just right, just as he used to back then…

Steve was only human. He took control of the kiss and eagerly returned the kiss, feasting on Bucky’s lips like a man starved. He expected Bucky to return the aggression or to pull back. To Steve’s surprise and thrill, Bucky seemed to submit instead as he parted his lips.

Sharp want shot through him as Steve growled into the kiss and switched their positions, nearly slamming Bucky into the drawers. He slotted their hips together until their arousals brushed, hard and wanting against the confines of their pants. In return, Bucky moaned and rolled their hips together. The friction of their cocks rubbing together and their heady, hot kiss made Steve feel lightheaded.

Steve pulled away from Bucky’s mouth and as if that was the cue he had been waiting for, Bucky gasped for the air, but did not remove his hands from where they were pressed against Steve’s back. Steve felt his already laboured breath taken away by the sight of how damn beautiful Bucky looked, his bedroom eyes bright but unfocused with lust. He felt his own pleasure pooling in his gut, hot and overwhelming. He was right on the edge of pleasure but he was not going to give in. Not until he made Bucky come. 

Not stopping his thrusts against Bucky’s hardness, Steve buried his nose in the bared, glistening, hollow of Bucky’s throat, latching his arms tight around his waist. The joy of recovering what they had been to each other back then, only fed the passion he felt for his friend, his lost lover.

Bucky was by now all out groaning, his hips stuttering and with one hand clutching at Steve’s back and the other, his ass. Steve provided the counterpoint that he was seeking, while at the same time he pushed his hands up under the hem of Bucky’s t-shirt. He latched his lips to Bucky’s neck, inhaling his unique smell and sucked greedily, his hands exploring the small patches of exposed skin, inching further down for more flesh.

He was so close as he continued to grind himself hard against Bucky, moaning low in his ear. Bucky’s body started to jerk as his orgasm crashed down on him and with one last thrust, Steve shuddered against him a moment later.

They stood there, loosely holding each other. Steve waited for Bucky to push him off because he sure as hell was not going to stop touching Bucky until then. Bucky just kept his forehead pressed against his shoulder, breathing deeply and evenly.

“I don’t remember this,” Bucky finally said.

Steve frowned, despite the thrill that Bucky’s sex-rough voice sent through him.

“We’ve had sex before.”

“Not like this. I don’t remember it like this.”

Steve laughed.

“No, you’re right.Not like this. I probably would have dropped dead back then, if it had been like this.”

Bucky finally lifted his head and pushed at Steve. Steve told himself he was not imagining that look in Bucky’s eyes - that look from a long time ago which never failed to make him feel as if his heart was going to explode with joy.

“I’ve got to go.”

“You don’t have to.You can stay here…with me.”

“No.”

“Bucky…”

“Don’t push, Steve,” Bucky warned.

Steve swallowed down his disappointment and just nodded.

“Okay. Sorry.”

Bucky made to turn and leave, and then paused. 

“I want it too. I just…”

Suddenly he pulled Steve to him and kissed him, hard and deep. Then he was gone.

Steve took a shaky step backwards and sat on his bed, ignoring the sticky feeling in his pants. He may not have gotten Bucky back the way he wanted but this was definitely progress. He just had to give him time and gauging from what had happened between them today, he knew they would get there. 

For the first time in a long time, Steve felt hopeful and truly happy.


End file.
